2017: It was the best of times; it was the blurst of times.

Well fuck, 2017 is nearly gone and another year of life on Earth is upon us. I’m gonna take a stab in the dark (on point horror idiom, thank you, thank you) and guess that I am in the majority when I say that I am glad the year is over. It was not. a. good. one. Like, here’s a definitive list of things I liked about 2017:

  • The release of Gang of Youth’s Go Farther in Lightness record
  • Meredith’s obsession with Allday that seemingly came out of nowhere
  • Catfish and the Bottlemen’s live shows
  • The long-awaited legalisation of same sex marriage
  • ??????????????????????????????????????????????????

So… music… music once again saved the day. But hey, speaking of the arts, it really wasn’t such a bad year for horror films either! Lemme be your phone-a-friend and remind you of the ~~Best Of~~ this year. I’m sure all that brandy eggnog and sneaky straight shots of vodka are clouding your head right about now, so sit back and let me do the research, list compiling, and thinking for you.

youvme

You versus me.

Theatrical releases

Happy Death DayMeredith reviewed this after we saw an advance screening of it. She liked it a lot more than I did.

Jessica Rothe

How come my hair never looks good in a messy bun though?

mother! – I honestly can’t tell if I love or hate this film. That sense of confusion, ambiguity, and ambivalence are common responses to the film. On one hand, it’s boring as fuck… even the descent into chaos and madness are a little shoulder-shruggable. On the other, it’s genuinely unnerving and the sense of dread is built well.

mother

Um. Again. Why doesn’t my hair ever look good in a messy bun?

47 Metres Down – I am honestly not sure why this film was made at all. It is Very Bad and utilises one of the absolute worst tropes in narrative writing possible. If you want a good, modern shark film watch The Shallows instead. Or Sharknado. Even that is legitimately better than this. Sidenote: Any time I see Mandy Moore I still think about A Walk to Remember and get a little teary.

A WALK TO REMEMBER, Mandy Moore, Shane West, 2002 (c) Warner Brothers/courtesy Everett Collection.

Landon 4 Jamie 4eva. (P.S. Why does it look like he’s gonna break her neck?)

Life – So, I know I did literally watch this with my own two eyes, but I don’t remember it????? Except, like, a few moments of repulsion and then the ending… I remember that because my eyes rolled so far into the back of my head that for a second I could see my own brain matter. I definitely still have a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal though. Who doesn’t?

jake

Tag yourself. I’m 8. Meredith’s 11.

FlatlinersMeredith wrote a response to Flatliners. I’m not calling it a review because it’s really just a couple paragraphs of her frothing over Ellen Page. Meredith hadn’t seen the original when she saw the remake, whereas I had. Honestly, don’t bother with the 2017 version. Unless you heaps love Diego Luna. He is a spesh star imo.

diego

The voice of reason. Also. How come my hair never looks good in a messy bun?

Annabelle: The CreationThe Conjuring was fucking rad. The Conjuring 2 was passable. Annabelle was the worst thing on the face of the earth. Annabelle: The Creation is marginally better than that. There are better things you could waste your time watching. May I suggest this.

annabelle

Oh shit. Throwing things down a well didn’t work out too great in The Ring… 

ItMeredith reviewed It shortly after we saw it at good ol’ Elizabeth cinema. We both loved the film and subsequently became a little obsessed with It and Stephen King. I am still trying to read the novel though. Damn, she thiccccc.

download

Rings – Worst Name for a Film Award goes to… Also, the movie is dumb. Don’t watch it.

rings

How much do you wanna bet some fucking idiot watches it, despite the whole ‘evil tape kills you’ thing being FAMOUS and WELL KNOWN in this film?!

A Cure for Wellness – I was so hyped for this film. Then I watched it. Now I am confused and hurt. I like the ~~~~~~vibe. It’s visually spellbinding. It’s creepy as fuck. Dane DeHaan is great and needs some sleep. But… it’s also… so stupid… Just watch it. You’ll see what I mean.

a-cure-for-wellness-screen2

Which Lush bath bomb is that?

Alien: Covenant – I saw this without having seen Prometheus and BOY OH BOY was I confused. Regardless, Katherine Waterston is my girlfriend now.

aliens

Girlfriend of the year, a.k.a. New Ripley.

Split – Our entire squad saw this together. We really liked it! I have a thing about psychology being used incorrectly in film, and like, this didn’t even piss me off that bad. James McAvoy was superb. Also, PAPRIKA!

split

McAvoy serving crazed killer turtle kneck REALNESS. Yas! Gawd!

Jigsaw – As I wrote this post, I went back to check if Mere had written a review of Jigsaw. I thought she had, but then I remembered us specifically saying there was nothing much to say about it because it’s nothing much of a film. It offered absolutely nothing new to the Saw franchise and mostly just made us angry.

jigsaw

No. Nobody wants to play the friggin’ game.

It Comes at Night – Okay, a disclaimer: I didn’t actually properly watch this. I was so bored I kept skipping through bits. Luckily, I didn’t see in the cinema; I would have gone to sleep like that time Sam did during Halloween on Cult Night. “Real People” seem to like it a lot though. So. Whatever.

itcomesatnight

A boring dinner in a boring movie or something idk. I didn’t watch it. :/

Straight to streaming services et al. 

The Babysitter – Netflix branded horror-pop fun that tries a little too hard to be clever, but is still entertaining nonetheless.

Cult of Chucky – YES! Honestly, you’d think by this point all the authentic sick charm of Chucky would be gone, but nah bro… Cult of Chucky follows on directly from 2013’s Curse of Chucky and it’s very… good… yeah… it’s good!

Wish Upon – A solid middle range run-of-the-mill horror: entertaining and very watchable.

M. F. A. – A feminist take on the ‘abused girl seeks revenge’ sub-genre, M. F. A. has taught me the valuable lesson that if I start to kill dudes (specifically rapists) my art will get good.

XX – I’m mentioning this because I love the concept of anthology films AND the concept of all women directors… but this is kinda a letdown.

Berlin Syndrome – Wolfie from Sense8 being a fucking creeper.

The Bye Bye Man – Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha it’s REALLY called that! SERIOUSLY!

Better Watch Out – Completely underrated Christmas film, put it on your IMDb Watchlist.

Hounds of Love – An Australian film that will make your skin crawl and probably result in you being unable to watch The Castle ever again… absolutely no serenity in Hounds of Love

The Transfiguration – Think… Let the Right One In… meets… Moonlight

The Girl with All the Gifts – One of my favourite books get the ol’ film adaptation treatment. I bet you can guess how I feel about that.

Raw – The less you know going into this, the better.

Leatherface – It’s the origin story of Leatherface that nobody really asked for and doesn’t really fit in with the other films in the franchise! Yay!

Escape Room – Okay, this was shit, but I just liked the used of the escape room as the setting. There are a few films catching on to this ~~trend now too.

Amityville: The AwakeningHere’s my review (which is imo more entertaining than the film itself).

Voice from the Stone – a.k.a. a bad film only being released (re-released?) because it has the dragon lady from Game of Thrones in it.

The Belko Experiment – Question! What happens when you lock down a building and tell everyone inside they either have to kill or be killed? Answer… a surprisingly entertaining film. Huh.

Jackals – Is blood thicker than the power of a brainwashing cult? Is my patience stronger than my short attention span?

The Devil’s Candy – Just when I was starting to get into visual arts…

Havenhurst – Room for rent: totally, absolutely, heaps good apartment ready to go for alcoholics et al. in recovery. Just be good! OR FUCKIN’ ELSE! Nothing suss! Haha. *Nervous laughter*

House on Willow Street – The moral of the story is be careful who you kidnap do not kidnap people.

The Void – Um, okay, first of all, gross. A Lovecraftian horror partially crowd-funded that feels nostalgic, spacey but is also kinda boring tbh.

Dig Two Graves – What does it take to count as a horror film? Dig Two Graves certainly isn’t your typical ghost story or jump scare thrill ride. It’s a stark tragedy more than anything else. Yes, you’ll get your monsters and spirits and blood, but not in the way you think. Good film.

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2017 releases on my Watchlist

Tragedy Girls – Omg I think this film was legit made 4 me ahhhhhhhhh!

Super Dark Times – Coming of age horror with a rad title.

The Lure – Singing, killing mermaids… or something?????!!!!!!!

Creep 2  I haven’t seen the first, but the sequel is popping up on Best Of 2017 lists all over the place. I am partial to a little found footage too.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer – Yorgos Lanthimos’ new film… If you haven’t seen The Lobster yet, put that on your Watchlist. God, he writes disturbing shit.

Mon Mon Mon Monsters – A Taiwanese horror-comedy with bite.

Here Alone – Sad, moody, dark horror… sad face emoji.

It Stains the Sand Red – Whenever anything is sold as a ‘fresh take’ on the zombie genre, I immediately get simultaneously hyped and sceptical.

Anna and the Apocalypse – I have been waiting for a good zombie musical tbh (I’m seriously not joking).

Happy Hunting – A “western horror” apparently… yee-haw!

watch_super_dark_times_sockshare_movie_by_sockshareonline-dbqj038

Cool title AND cool poster art.

And the other hyped 2017 releases that I have not seen and probably won’t tbh

Gerald’s Game – Stephen King must be absolutely raking it in.

We are the Flesh – Consider me deeply unsettled.

1922 – Seriously… raking it in.

Dave Made a Maze – Presumably a person and/or animal and/or supernatural entity and/or mythical creature named Dave makes a maze, and presumably, it’s horrific.

A Dark Song – Another horror movie that feeds on the fear of losing the ones you love.

Prevenge – These bad biddies are PREGNANT and out for REVENGE in ’17… PREVENGE, new on MTV this summer!

The Blackcoat’s Daughter – Reportedly super moody and ~creepy vibez R us~ but I really dislike Emma Roberts so it’s a no from me, thank you.

how many

Idk. How long can you last without sleep?

Now that you’ve got your summer sorted, you can cancel those annoying “Normal Social Obligations,” lock yourself in your house with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s (Half Baked, obviously), and scare yourself into a mindless state of nirvana. You’re welcome!

I would also like to make a brief mention of a 2016 film that I only watched this year. It’s good enough that I’d urge any horror movie (particularly zombie) fan to watch. Train to Busan is one of the more original and fre$$$h films I’ve seen in a while. Give it a go.

Have I forgotten anything? Cool.

Peace. Rhiannon.

Oh my god. I’m joking. A PLOT TWIST, AMIRITE?! We definitely aren’t done here, people. And if you aren’t thinking what I hope you are thinking, then get the fuck out of here. See what I did there? Get the fuck out… get out… Get Out…

GET OUT IS THE BEST HORROR FILM OF 2017, AND ARGUABLY ONE OF THE BEST HORROR FILMS OF ALL TIME.

OF WHAT, YEEZY?

OF ALL TIME.

get-out-trailer

Why doesn’t my head look good in a straw hat given to me by creepy White people?

Get Out is far too fucking rad and clever and well made to be on the above list. I’m presuming you’ve seen it, because if you haven’t and you still call yourself a horror fan… well… I feel bad for you, son.

The premise is spectacularly simple: A man goes with his partner to meet her family for the first time. Also relevant: The man is African American. The family are White. Fuck, it’s a good movie. I was happy to have seen it as it was released because I had little expectations. Even with all the hype, it lives up to it and surpasses. If you only watch one film these holidays, make it Get Out.

Screen-Shot-2017-11-15-at-4.39.41-PM

And with that, I am off to listen to Achilles, Come Down on repeat and think about Van McCann. Hope all you have some decent, relaxing time off. See you in the (hopefully significantly… but will take marginally better) new year.

Rhiannon. 

[Note: Some of the described films saw limited release prior to 2017, e.g. film festivals. They were officially released to theatres and/or streaming services in 2017.]
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Categories: Horror, Movies

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