Sweet Jesus – aim low kids, aim so low that no one will even notice if you don’t make it
1.5 out of 5 stickmen
I am now a card carrying (note to self: make cards) member of the Adelaide Horror Film Club. It’s a great way to meet other weirdos, watch horror movies and compare thoughts afterwards.
Unfortunately, the second meeting of the club coincided with the release of the 2016 sequel to the Blair Witch Project – Blair Witch.
My GOD. As Bolo would say, I have a bad feeling about this. The first movie was so good, but don’t take my word for it – read Stephen King’s essay on it. So, naturally, any attempt to re-capture the ingenuity of the first would be bound to fail, right?
However, fate played a cruel trick on me. As you may know, one of my favourite recent horror films is You’re Next – directed by Adam Wingard. Who did I hear would be directing Blair Witch? Adam Wingard.
A spark of hope, a cruel, cruel spark.
To fully explain this movie, you need to know my history with Blair Witch sequels. Many people are under the impression that this is the first sequel to The Blair Witch Project. I wish I could let the lie continue – but I can’t.
The Blair Witch Project 2: Book of Shadows, has topped my Worst Film of All Time list since I was 11 and watched it with my friend Genevieve at her 12th birthday sleepover party (followed by Texas Chainsaw Massacre – parents, lock up your preteens!)
The film makes no sense. I was too young to appreciate why this may be the case, until the President of the Adelaide Horror Film Club (life goals) sent me this video.
Moral of the story = studios suck. This movie was actually a well thought out sequel with a cool progression of tension, that was destroyed because the studio wanted a ‘normal’ horror flick.
To come full circle, the easy rehash that they assumed the sequel would be, just sending more kids into the woods to get lost and freak out? THAT IS WHAT BLAIR WITCH IS! It’s the original movie, without the innovation or low-budget effectiveness plus A FUCKING DRONE?!?! WHY IS THERE A DRONE?!?!? SHOULD I BUY A DRONE?!?!
Blair Witch attempts to be:
- a found-footage film, without any of the grit
- a monster flick, without any of the suspense
- the movie The Descent – with a completely pointless extended scene in a tunnel?!?
- the gore movie with another scene that makes no sense! (The centipede?)
So, no, I did not enjoy this movie. It had potential in some parts (I liked the dude from the couple they meet, who has the least amount of screen time of all the people in the movie.)
Really, like the video says, I think all the Blair Witch Project fans can hope for is a Director’s Cut of Book of Shadows, and just constant reruns of the original.
I wish I had a sassy one-liner to end this with, but no, only more unsettling news. One of the trailers shown before this movie? “Rings” – a sequel to The Ring.
Oh dear God, please, no more.